Kills of the Week

Highsec has changed, and for the better. More people are tanking up, fewer are autopiloting. However, our goal is not to improve highsec; we want to perfect it. Despite the progress we've made, too many bot-aspirants are falling behind. Now it's time for our Agents to push highsec to its limits, teaching the carebears that they have it within themselves to become true EVE players. Let's see how they did! The following are some examples of the motivation and training supplied by our Agents during the week of July 26th @ 00:00 EVEtime through August 1st @ 23:59 EVEtime.

KILLMAIL

seawall Aideron had a Proteus, a ship perfectly capable of shooting back. But seawall had other ideas. He equipped six cargo expanders, disengaged his cloak, and went on autopilot. When the time came for PvP, he wasn't there to shoot back. Luckily, our heroes were prepared to take the lead and initiate the PvP themselves. seawall was promptly destroyed by Agents loyalanon, Sophia Soprano, and 412nv Yaken.

KILLMAIL

The Riddla had a 7.8 billion isk jump freighter, and he needed to get through the Niarja system in a hurry. Riddle me this, dear reader: Why didn't The Riddla follow the Code? Answer: Because he was a bot-aspirant! Agents BoneyTooth Thompkins, FOEHAMMER006, V1P3RR, Orvy, holdmybeer, loyalanon, Daggoth Ur, Thraxorh, Fightsquad, Abira Saleem, Globby, Leah Virpio, Asmo Deam, 10 inch, Growler Dude, Angelos Dallocort, Eladaris, Kelt Antollare, Arkitektite, Sjugar02, CatanaFleet Red, Nitetime Video, Jakec Risalo, Neofelis Nebulosa, Vladimir Samborskiy, Fabulous Andy, Daniel Audanie, Rafiki Zateki, Jason Kusion, Zofren Zulrander, ShadowBlazie, Nyleria, Jacob Vanderkooi, and Zed Flake solved the riddle and killed the carebear.

The Riddla was furious over his loss. But if he didn't want to be ganked, he shouldn't have tried to stump the Niarja gankers with his riddle.

Truthfully, The Riddla can't help himself. Just two days earlier, he lost another 7.1 billion isk Nomad, also in Niarja. His ship was riddled with bullets.

KILLMAIL

True Hauler was nothing of the sort. A true hauler pilot would have purchased a permit and followed the Code. Granted, he did have some tank on his ship, but not nearly enough to protect him against elite PvP'ers like Agents Capt Starfox, ThatOleSerpent, Sophia Soprano, loyalanon, Lament von Gankenheim, Globby, Sherman Cohenberg, SlutyMcSlut, Sterling Cohenberg, Silvester Cohenberg, Stein Cohenberg, and Stanley Cohenberg.

The carebear then claimed to be a ganker who helps CODEdot on their ganks. No true Agent.

KILLMAIL

Tina Burri was another pilot who brought a ship that could shoot back. It was a destroyer, the same class of ships that our Agents enjoy so much. Unlike our Agents, Tina decided to fail-fit her combat vessel. Agents Carebears' Nightmare, Brutal Anna, and Rick Therapist had no trouble besting Tina in PvP, even though Tina's ship was worth much more than all of theirs combined.

The destroyer contained a PLEX. Some people take the idea of "isk tanking" too literally, it would seem.

KILLMAIL

Are you kidding me?

Sadly, Kender Marigold's 4 billion isk shuttle was all too real. Agent PV Rock caught her while she was trying to smuggle 4 PLEX through New Order territory. As PV Rock added the 4 billion isk to his Thrasher fund, another Agent convo'ed Kender to find out what she was thinking.

Little Mittens > Kill: Kender Marigold (Gallente Shuttle) why the plex tank
Kender Marigold > Does it really matter?
Kender Marigold > How the fuck can you tank concord in 0.9?
Kender Marigold > I know you can tank cannons in low, but you're not supposed to be able to live for 2 minutes in high
Kender Marigold > Especially in a destroyer
Kender Marigold > in 0.9
Kender Marigold > And I haven't been around for 5 years, I had no idea what's going on around here.

It was another case of Rip Van Carebear. After taking a long break from EVE, Kender returned to discover, to her amazement, how much better highsec is these days.

Kender Marigold > I hadn't even started training for more than 10 minutes lol
Kender Marigold > We're talking JUST back after a 5 year hiatus
PV Rock > Well, welcome back! You certainly made an explosive return
Kender Marigold > Anyways. Have fun ganking the other noobs. I am going to immolate myself and jump up and down in a bathtub full of broken glass and lemon juice
Kender Marigold > See ya around.

Whether it takes minutes or years, the New Order will uncover every carebear crime. Caution: We're getting more efficient all the time.

KILLMAIL

The Pod of the Week goes to Ventura Stasarik, whose 2.8 billion isk monstrosity was also popped by Agent PV Rock. The kill narrowly edged out Agent Aaaarrgg's 2.7 billion isk pod kill. But Ventura Stasarik's pod death also came after a 1.3 billion isk freighter loss.

Freighter pilots love to claim that they weren't AFK. They rage against the bump mechanics. Don't be fooled. In many of these cases, the freighter pilot loses his pod, too, which is further evidence of his AFK status. Ventura's case was especially egregious--PV Rock ganked his pod using a Brutix.