Kills of the Week

If you're an EVE newbie--a genuine newbie, none one of that "new returning player" nonsense, please--don't complain about how difficult it is to learn the game. You have resources. You've got the Code. You've got the Agents of the New Order, who can teach you what to do. And if you need someone to teach you what not to do, check out these Goofuses from the week of June 2nd @ 00:00 EVEtime through June 8th @ 23:59 EVEtime...

KILLMAIL

Troll Hole has taken the "Deep Space Transport instead of a freighter" thing to a whole new level. He was busted in Jita with a 20 billion isk DST. Agents Jacob Kusion, Dan Painter, Jeremy Kusion, Jax Kusion, Continue Painting, Josh Kusion, Jaiden Kusion, Jonas Kusion, Jared Kusion, Charlie Painter, Jeffery Kusion, and Jack Kusion spent a dozen Taloses and made a handsome profit.

KILLMAIL

A small Tornado squad was enough to take down Torvald Uruz's Ikitursa, currently valued on zKillboard at 4.9 billion isk. Now, I know what you're thinking, dear reader: "What the heck is an Ikitursa?" The truth is, it doesn't matter. If it's in highsec, it needs a permit. Agents goddessbhunter, Cijah Dorin, Tikktokk Tokkzikk, and Lucas Denton spied the exotic vessel and did away with it.

KILLMAIL

scorpion only didn't live up to his name. He couldn't resist the siren song of the blingy Hulk. He and his Hulk--empty midslots and all--got blasted by a single Catalyst piloted by Agent Piz Caldera. Miners, don't use Hulks in highsec.

KILLMAIL

Kachka Celyn is a member of God damn isk making machine corp. Some carebears really don't try to hide their bot-aspirancy, do they? This self-described "machine" loaded up her jump freighter with loot and equipped it with ORE cargo expanders. And then, as fate would have it, she went to Jita. Our Agents were waiting for her.

Agents Nasagasa Bump, LordPepstores, big brutor one, Jeremy Kusion, Jaiden Kusion, Jonas Kusion, filippok Oriki, Jeffery Kusion, Bob Electrician, Tickle MaBalls, Josh Kusion, Bob Mechanic, George Painter, big brutor two, Ilvari, Jack Kusion, Joshua Kusion, Bob Painter, Bob Welder, K0mand0 Sperg, Ren Sano, Zim Mabata, big brutor six, Jared Kusion, Dubious Anime Name, igorrrr Koraka, Mjolnir Rage Torpedo, Djavue, Jax Kusion, Jacob Kusion, Jason Kusion, Zebidiah Uta, Astor Ignan, and FidgetSpinning had a fleet of around 30 Taloses at the ready. Where do our heroes get all of these Taloses? The bot-aspirants fund their own destruction (Loot Fairy permitting, of course).

KILLMAIL

Dawn Draper believed in the power of the tank. She tanked up her jump freighter as best she could. But Dawn was, at heart, a common criminal. According to Agent Bob Painter, Dawn was AFK for over an hour before being ganked--despite presenting herself as a 19 billion isk target.

A Talos fleet consisting of Oddenblade, big brutor one, Bob Painter, Inspector Implant, Mjolnir Rage Torpedo, Dubious Anime Name, Bob Welder, Bob Mechanic, George Painter, Bob Electrician, Further Painting, big brutor six, Charlie painter, Dan Painter, Nova Rage Torpedo, and Continue Painting deleted this carebear's Ark...

KILLMAIL

...And then she was podded by Agents Magalaus Shardani and big brutor two, thus sending her back to a station. Now you can go AFK, carebear.

Dawn's implants gave even more strength to her armor. Agent Bob estimated the Ark's total effective EHP at a million hitpoints.

The Code > hitpoints.